Fred Thompson quits presidential race

After withdrawing from presidential race in

confusion, Fred Thompson rests comfortably .

Fred Thompson withdrew from the race for the 2008 Republican nomination for president after discovering he was running for president of the United States, not president of his nursing home.

"I couldn't figure out why I had to travel all over the country," Fred said. "I wondered why all those people got to vote about who was president of Soma Acres Nursing Home."

Thompson realized what was happening when a reporter asked him what he would do first when he got to Washington.

"Washington?" Fred said, "I've never been to Washington. Why would I be going there?"

Thompson had forgotten his term as a senator and years as a lobbyist in DC.

Once reporters explained the question, Fred withdrew.

He blames the error on his 22 year old lobbyist wife. "She thinks the movie has just started but my credits are already starting to roll."

Fred said he does not regret his misguided run for president, adding, "If they stop serving warm tapioca for dessert for just one week, my candidacy will not have been in vain."

GOP drag debate: Guiliani wins ugliest woman contest

All the candidates appeared in drag at the Republican presidential debate at Rudolph Guiliani's insistence.

"I just don't think we are being fair to female voters by constantly appearing as men," the former mayor of New York said. "And I don't know about any of the other guys, but I am certainly more comfortable in a strapless evening gown than a suit and tie."

Guiliani's insistence on the drag debate mystified the other Republican campaigns since his honor is the ugliest man in drag this side of John Madden in a halter top. Just looking at Guiliani in his Marilyn Monroe get up is enough to give decent people a coldsore, and a burning sensation when urinating.

Nonetheless, his opponents were game, and each showed a flair and creativity of his own.

Duncan Hunter made a bold statement showing up in an ensemble inspired by Kathy Bates in MISERY. He wore knit turtleneck with a shapeless jumper accessorized with a sledgehammer. While he did not use the hammer during the debate, the implied threat of violence went over well with the GOP audience. If elected, he would be expected to follow through on that foot though.



Mitt Romney came in a pantsuit borrowed from Paula Poundstone, which caused some controversy with the judges--was he really in drag if he was wearing what is essentially a man's suit? Romney escaped disqualification when the judges decided that since he borrowed the suit from Poundstone, and she is technically a woman, he was in fact in drag.





There was an awkward moment when both Enis Huckabee and Cleatus van Brownback showed up dressed as Minnie Pearl from HEE HAW. Making matters worse, Brownback noticed Huckabee had a far more ample bosom, sure to draw votes in the key demographic of guys who have chrome silhouettes of naked women on their mudflaps.

Brownback regained soon ground when each of the candidates were asked to squeal like a pig like Ned Beatty in DELIVERANCE, and Brownback was the only one to strip down to his tidy whities just as Beatty did in the film.


Ron Paul also showed up in a hillbilly themed outfit--BEVERLY hillbilly. His Granny Clampett frock and hat were the talk of all the ladies in the audience, as was his decision to appear in the original black and white.


For our own dear Fred "Gopher" Thompson, the decision about what to wear was a no-brainer: he reprised his role of "Momma" from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.

"I still had the wig somewhere and I wear that pink robe everyday, so what the hell," Fred said.


The most curious choice was John McCain, who came as the president's mother, Barbara Bush.
When asked why he chose the president's mother as his role model, McCain said, "Frankly, I do not know. But President Bush told me to wear this, and the last time I ignored his advice, he had my dog killed. My kids were inconsolable for weeks. I was really worried when he said I needed a pearl necklace to go with the outfit until I saw he meant, you know, actual pearls..."

An added layer of irony in the choice of Barbara Bush is the rumor that has circulated for years that Mrs. Bush is actually a man, veteran character actor Vincent Gardenia, who plays the elder president Bush's wife from time to time to deflect questions about his personal life.

Fred Thompson is NOT Kelsey Grammer

Many people have written to ask why Fred Thompson doesn't talk about his role playing the urbane Dr. Frasier Crane on CHEERS and FRASIER the way he does his stint on LAW & ORDER and of course playing Gopher on LOVE BOAT.

The answer is simple. Frasier Crane was was played by Kelsey Grammer not our beloved Fred Thompson.

Side by side photos seem to clear things up:


Grammer looks a good 40 years younger than Thompson. However, without Grammer's stage make up, the difference is more subtle. (Click the photo above to see a comparison to Grammer without make up).

No one would confuse the two if they heard them speak. Kelsey Grammar sounds like an over-enunciating East Coast patrician while Fred sounds like the narrator of those Disney nature movies from the 60s who would tell us what we could clearly see for ourselves like "The bear hibernates in the winter," or "Ducks fart underwater then swim away before the toxic fumes can reach the surface."

Another reason the two are mistaken for each other is their young, blond wives.

A close inspection of this photo reveals a key difference: Fred Thompson's wife is young enough to be Kelsey Grammer's wife's daughter.

UPDATE: The babe-in-arms race continues--Grammer traded in the one pictured above for a much younger model.

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter if the two are confused with each other. But men enunciate clearly and are highly capable at reading off a teleprompter. Therefore, either would be equally well-qualified to be the GOP nominee for president.

Being Gopher and Being President

Some people have wondered aloud how being Gopher on Love Boat prepared Fred Thompson for his most important role: being president of the United States.

For one thing, Gopher was a problem solver. If someone wanted to avoid their ex-wife, pretend to a nun when they are actually a prostitute, or know how to kiss a girl for the first time as in the episode with Scott Baio, Gopher was always there to help.

In the same way, he was a public servant. At the beginning of every single episode, he could be seen carrying the passengers bags aboard the ship.

He was also able to deal effectively with people of all races, from the black bartender Isaac, to Asian passenger Pat Morita, to illegal immigrant Charo. In all cases, he was able to interact with them with grace and good humor while maintaining his superiority as a white man.



Needless to say, after serving so much time in uniform on a ship, Fred Thompson will be an excellent commander in chief.