Dec 31, 2007

Fred NOT dead

Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson was forced to respond to a rumor that he was dead started by a left wing, terrorist, gay, abortion-loving blog.

"I am not dead," our beloved Fred said. "I am just severely dehydrated, an ailment common in the entertainment community. Hell, isn't that what Britney Spears says she is when she goes wackadoodle?"

"But I really am dehydrated. Hell, I piss dust and lower the humidity just by walking in a room," Fred chuckled.

Oct 7, 2007

GOP drag debate: Guiliani wins ugliest woman contest

All the candidates appeared in drag at the Republican presidential debate at Rudolph Guiliani's insistence.

"I just don't think we are being fair to female voters by constantly appearing as men," the former mayor of New York said. "And I don't know about any of the other guys, but I am certainly more comfortable in a strapless evening gown than a suit and tie."

Guiliani's insistence on the drag debate mystified the other Republican campaigns since his honor is the ugliest man in drag this side of John Madden in a halter top. Just looking at Guiliani in his Marilyn Monroe get up is enough to give decent people a coldsore, and a burning sensation when urinating.

Nonetheless, his opponents were game, and each showed a flair and creativity of his own.

Duncan Hunter made a bold statement showing up in an ensemble inspired by Kathy Bates in MISERY. He wore knit turtleneck with a shapeless jumper accessorized with a sledgehammer. While he did not use the hammer during the debate, the implied threat of violence went over well with the GOP audience. If elected, he would be expected to follow through on that foot though.

Mitt Romney came in a pantsuit borrowed from Paula Poundstone, which caused some controversy with the judges--was he really in drag if he was wearing what is essentially a man's suit? Romney escaped disqualification when the judges decided that since he borrowed the suit from Poundstone, and she is technically a woman, he was in fact in drag.

There was an awkward moment when both Enis Huckabee and Cleatus van Brownback showed up dressed as Minnie Pearl from HEE HAW. Making matters worse, Brownback noticed Huckabee had a far more ample bosom, sure to draw votes in the key demographic of guys who have chrome silhouettes of naked women on their mudflaps.

Brownback regained soon ground when each of the candidates were asked to squeal like a pig like Ned Beatty in DELIVERANCE, and Brownback was the only one to strip down to his tidy whities just as Beatty did in the film.

Ron Paul also showed up in a hillbilly themed outfit--BEVERLY hillbilly. His Granny Clampett frock and hat were the talk of all the ladies in the audience, as was his decision to appear in the original black and white.

For our own dear Fred "Gopher" Thompson, the decision about what to wear was a no-brainer: he reprised his role of "Momma" from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.

"I still had the wig somewhere and I wear that pink robe everyday, so what the hell," Fred said.

The most curious choice was John McCain, who came as the president's mother, Barbara Bush.
When asked why he chose the president's mother as his role model, McCain said, "Frankly, I do not know. But President Bush told me to wear this, and the last time I ignored his advice, he had my dog killed. My kids were inconsolable for weeks. I was really worried when he said I needed a pearl necklace to go with the outfit until I saw he meant, you know, actual pearls..."

An added layer of irony in the choice of Barbara Bush is the rumor that has circulated for years that Mrs. Bush is actually a man, veteran character actor Vincent Gardenia, who plays the elder president Bush's wife from time to time to deflect questions about his personal life.

Sep 26, 2007

Fred Gopher Thompson challenges other actors who played president to debate

Beloved TV icon and GOP presidential candidate Gopher Fred Thompson went on the Tonight Show last night to challenge other actors who have played presidents to debate. Several prominent actors were included, and Thompson weighed their relatives strengths and weaknesses, but he also pointedly excluded several and explained why:



THOMPSON: Sheen is smart, earnest, hard-working, and has played the president on TV for a couple of seasons, so he'll get a lot of those confused voters who think he's already president. No question it's tough to dislodge an incumbent.

On the minus side, he's way too liberal on the show and in real life. And I heard around town his boy Charlie is pretty wild, so he won't go over with the family values crowd.

LENO: And he's short.

THOMPSON: ...and he's short. You can't stand tall if you aren't tall.


THOMPSON: He'll be a tough, tough opponent because he fought off terrorists on Air Force One in that action movie...what was it?

LENO: Air Force One.

THOMPSON: That's right, it was about Air Force One, but I can't remember the name. I do have one advantage over Ford; he's got a very monotone voice. The president has to do that weekly radio address as well as reading the teleprompter at speeches and repeating what ya hear in the earpiece when reporters ask questions. I've done a lot more voice over work than him--I was the narrator of all those Disney nature movies back in the 60s.


THOMPSON: This boy is a real contender. He's got the fire in the belly, and he's a real poon hound. After the Clinton impeachment failed, our focus groups showed that Americans admired a president with a strong heterosexual libido. That gives Douglas a real edge over most of the candidates in the GOP mens room if you get my drift.

LENO: Uh, why are you tapping my foot under the desk, Fred?



THOMPSON: She is smart, tough as nails, and has a real screen presence.

LENO: And her face is already on Mt. Rushmore...

THOMPSON: You'd be a fool not to run if you look like George Washington. Hell, she don't even need the wig.

On the downside, male GOP voters are frightened by powerful assertive women. All those years of abusing farm animals and re-enacting the "squeal like a pig" scene from DELIVERANCE has left them with a fragile sexual identity that someone like her threatens. That's why I made sure my wife is obvious arm candy, so they can feel I'm manly enough for me AND them.


THOMPSON: Come on, those movies were comedies, for God's sake!

Besides, we thought that would work with W--did you know they originally were going to give the part to Jim Varney if he hadn't died? Problem was, the mean-spirited, bumbling, retard president wasn't so funny once the bodies started piling up. The producers want to go a different way this time.


THOMPSON: He did excellent work in DEEP IMPACT, showed gravitas and compassion. That's tough to pull off.

But we can't have a colored fella who actually has a shot at the presidency in the running for the GOP nomination. Hell, Colin Powell cleared his throat about running in '96 and he got death threats from our base. If Freeman ran, everybody would be wearing white to the debates if you know what I mean.

If they Democrats want to run him, that's something else.


THOMPSON: This one is really painful for me. If Arnold could run I could finish out my life on LAW & ORDER and having my pretty little wife give me sponge baths and change my Depends.

You have no idea how much time and money the party put into making Arnold California governor, setting up that recall and trying to make Arnold look like he cared about family values. We figured if he ran, the Democrats could put up JFK, RFK, MLK, Mother Theresa, and Gandhi on one ticket and Arnold could beat 'em.

It is such a terrible, terrible waste....

LENO: uh, Fred, doesn't the Constitution say people born in Austria can't be president?

THOMPSON: Jay, the Constitution says a lot of things, but we got around most of them after 9/11, so we figured we could get around that one too. The American people just forgot to be afraid sooner than we expected and started paying attention to those little details again.

LENO: Maybe you guys will have better luck after the sequel.

THOMPSON: (laughing) you can count on it.

Sep 5, 2007

Fred Thompson is NOT Kelsey Grammer

Many people have written to ask why Fred Thompson doesn't talk about his role playing the urbane Dr. Frasier Crane on CHEERS and FRASIER the way he does his stint on LAW & ORDER and of course playing Gopher on LOVE BOAT.

The answer is simple. Frasier Crane was was played by Kelsey Grammer not our beloved Fred Thompson.

Side by side photos seem to clear things up:

Grammer looks a good 40 years younger than Thompson. However, without Grammer's stage make up, the difference is more subtle. (Click the photo above to see a comparison to Grammer without make up).

No one would confuse the two if they heard them speak. Kelsey Grammar sounds like an over-enunciating East Coast patrician while Fred sounds like the narrator of those Disney nature movies from the 60s who would tell us what we could clearly see for ourselves like "The bear hibernates in the winter," or "Ducks fart underwater then swim away before the toxic fumes can reach the surface."

Another reason the two are mistaken for each other is their young, blond wives.

A close inspection of this photo reveals a key difference: Fred Thompson's wife is young enough to be Kelsey Grammer's wife's daughter.

UPDATE: The babe-in-arms race continues--Grammer traded in the one pictured above for a much younger model.

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter if the two are confused with each other. But men enunciate clearly and are highly capable at reading off a teleprompter. Therefore, either would be equally well-qualified to be the GOP nominee for president.

Sep 1, 2007

Being Gopher and Being President

Some people have wondered aloud how being Gopher on Love Boat prepared Fred Thompson for his most important role: being president of the United States.

For one thing, Gopher was a problem solver. If someone wanted to avoid their ex-wife, pretend to a nun when they are actually a prostitute, or know how to kiss a girl for the first time as in the episode with Scott Baio, Gopher was always there to help.

In the same way, he was a public servant. At the beginning of every single episode, he could be seen carrying the passengers bags aboard the ship.

He was also able to deal effectively with people of all races, from the black bartender Isaac, to Asian passenger Pat Morita, to illegal immigrant Charo. In all cases, he was able to interact with them with grace and good humor while maintaining his superiority as a white man.

Needless to say, after serving so much time in uniform on a ship, Fred Thompson will be an excellent commander in chief.