Fred Thompson endorsed Gingrich for wifeswapping skills

Fred Thompson took a moment from his recovery from his monthly hip replacement to explain his endorsement of Newt Gingrich for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.

"The man has the judgment to make the right calls and the nerves of steel needed to follow through," said Thompson.

He went on to add, "Too often sentimentality or concern for the children will prevent a man from even admitting to himself that his wife has too many miles on her and it's time to trade her in a new model.  Newt has shown repeatedly that he has that vision and can follow through on it."

"Romney doesn't even have to worry about shedding the old ones--he's a Mormon for god's sake.  He could just collect 'em like shot glasses and line 'em all up on a shelf, but he doesn't.  He just has one that I know of. What kind of man does that?"

Thompson has sterling credentials to judge Gingrich's wife shedding.  His first marriage was to the widow of assassinated president William McKinley, who was his entre into politics.  He later shed her for silent film star Clara Bow, several years his junior, who nonetheless helped him get his start in Hollywood.

Most recently and several marriages later, he met his current wife when he attended a tea party with his great granddaughter and her friends.

He did express some reservations about endorsing Gingrich, saying, "I would have paid a little extra and got a wife with some eyelids.  It's going to hard as the dickens for him to shop for the next one when the current one never even blinks."

Asked if there was any downside to the serial marriages practiced by Gingrich and himself, Thompson became somber.

"You know for all these decades and many, many wives, I thought there wasn't. But my current wife, Dakota Fanning, was watching that vampire show, TRUE BLOOD, and on one episode this vampire accidentally had relations with his own great great granddaughter.  When you get to be my age and have spread your seed in so many fields, that becomes a real danger.  My South didn't rise for a good couple of days after I saw that if you know what I mean, not even with the viagra AND that mechanical pump I got implanted.

The nurse then ended the interview by asking us to leave so she could change his diaper.

Being Gopher and Being President

Some people have wondered aloud how being Gopher on Love Boat prepared Fred Thompson for his most important role: being president of the United States.

For one thing, Gopher was a problem solver. If someone wanted to avoid their ex-wife, pretend to a nun when they are actually a prostitute, or know how to kiss a girl for the first time as in the episode with Scott Baio, Gopher was always there to help.

In the same way, he was a public servant. At the beginning of every single episode, he could be seen carrying the passengers bags aboard the ship.

He was also able to deal effectively with people of all races, from the black bartender Isaac, to Asian passenger Pat Morita, to illegal immigrant Charo. In all cases, he was able to interact with them with grace and good humor while maintaining his superiority as a white man.



Needless to say, after serving so much time in uniform on a ship, Fred Thompson will be an excellent commander in chief.