Go for Gopher in '08!

Fred Thompson endorsed Gingrich for wifeswapping skills

2012-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

Fred Thompson took a moment from his recovery from his monthly hip replacement to explain his endorsement of Newt Gingrich for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.

"The man has the judgment to make the right calls and the nerves of steel needed to follow through," said Thompson.

He went on to add, "Too often sentimentality or concern for the children will prevent a man from even admitting to himself that his wife has too many miles on her and it's time to trade her in a new model. Newt has shown repeatedly that he has that vision and can follow through on it."

"Romney doesn't even have to worry about shedding the old ones--he's a Mormon for god's sake. He could just collect 'em like shot glasses and line 'em all up on a shelf, but he doesn't. He just has one that I know of. What kind of man does that?"

Thompson has sterling credentials to judge Gingrich's wife shedding. His first marriage was to the widow of assassinated president William McKinley, who was his entre into politics. He later shed her for silent film star Clara Bow, several years his junior, who nonetheless helped him get his start in Hollywood.

Most recently and several marriages later, he met his current wife when he attended a tea party with his great granddaughter and her friends.

He did express some reservations about endorsing Gingrich, saying, "I would have paid a little extra and got a wife with some eyelids. It's going to hard as the dickens for him to shop for the next one when the current one never even blinks."

Asked if there was any downside to the serial marriages practiced by Gingrich and himself, Thompson became somber.

"You know for all these decades and many, many wives, I thought there wasn't. But my current wife, Dakota Fanning, was watching that vampire show, TRUE BLOOD, and on one episode this vampire accidentally had relations with his own great great granddaughter. When you get to be my age and have spread your seed in so many fields, that becomes a real danger. My South didn't rise for a good couple of days after I saw that if you know what I mean, not even with the viagra AND that mechanical pump I got implanted.

The nurse then ended the interview by asking us to leave so she could change his diaper.

Fred Thompson flip flops on Tea Parties

2010-08-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Former GOP presidential candidate and Love Boat cast member Fred Thompson took a hard line against attending tea parties, but backtracked when a photo surfaced of him at a tea party event.

Thompson's originally said, "Look, I like my women young but I draw the line at going to five year old little girls tea parties. Besides that, my current wife has a few more years before she's long enough in the tooth that I have to trade her in. Hell, she's still young enough to be the daughter of anybody else in Washington's intern/mistress."

However, Thompson was forced to explain himself though when a photo was posted online of him with several young girls, clearly playing dress up, with tea cups, saucers, and other fancy things.

"One of the friends of my little daughter or great-granddaughter asked me to come over and discuss some policy issues with a group of her friends, and I did not have the heart to say no," Thompson said.

He added, "Had I known it would be a tea party, I would not have attended, and in any case, I was certainly not there trolling for a new wife or even a one nap time stand."

Pundits across the political spectrum have said the incident may hurt his prospects if he decides to run for president again in 2012 or 2016 at the age of 98 or 102 respectively even if rumors that Isaac the bartender will join him on the ticket this time prove to be true.

Fred Thompson's speech a perfect computer animation

2008-09-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

In a stunning triumph for computer generated animation, a special effects team was able to create a completely believable, life-like replica of Fred Thompson that appeared to give a speech at the Republican convention yesterday.

Special effects artist Don Spire said presenting a realistic Thompson for the TV audience was easy, but the greater challenge was creating Thompson for the live audience in the stadium.

"We've had the technology to do it on TV since Max Headroom," Spire said, referring to the creepy 1980's MTV talking head.

"For the live audience, we tried using multiple screens, holographic projecters, and even screens created with a fine mist to create a screen to capture the image. Ultimately, we just found an old guy who looked sort of like Thompson, had him walk out on stage and lip-sync Thompson's lines while our animation was projected onto the screen. Only the people in the first few rows would notice it wasn't Fred, and party officials assured us they spill the beans about the effect."

Special effects technicians visited Thompson in the Virginia suburb of Washington, DC at the Home for Elder Statesmen & Lobbyist. They placed digital markers on his face and use computers to capture the way his face moved, which they later used to create the speech.

Spire said Thompson was not harmed by the process and even his wife was pleased with the effect.

"She called after the speech and said Fred watched it and said, 'That feller looks like me.''' He was unaware that it actually was him, giving the speech of his life.

"He enjoyed it more than having a full diaper on tapioca day at the home," his wife said.

Spires special effects team expects a steady stream of work doing the same process for McCain if he is actually elected.

Fred Thompson is McCain's VP pick!

2008-08-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

In the most shocking political comeback of this election season, John McCain announced today that octogenarian Fred Thompson will be his vice presidential running mate in the 2008 election.

McCain expressed confidence that Thompson's advanced age and decrepitude would make himself look younger and more vigorous by comparison.

"I can still walk and chew my own food," McCain said. "Fred can't even take a shit unless someone else massages his bowels."

"Fred and I agree on so many issues, it just made sense," McCain said, adding, "We both know our job is taking care of business--and I mean that literally. When someone puts a big chunk of change in your pocket, they expect some service and Fred and I will both deliver. I turned on a dime on that off-shore drilling nonsense once big oil told their people to get out the checkbooks. Fred knows the ropes--hell, he was even a lobbyist for a while, so he wrote the checks."

When asked if he was concerned about the Religious Right's reaction to tapping Thompson, McCain said, "Fred is an actor. If he has to speak in tongues, handle snakes, and roll on the floor to get those toothless hillbillies votes, he'll do it, and they'll believe him. Hell, they believed a silver spoon, spoiled frat boy like Bush was one of their own--they'll believe anything."

McCain himself has done considerable work mending fences with the Religious Right after calling them "agents of intolerance" during the 2000 campaign. He has pledged privately to leading fundamentalist ministers to bring about Armageddon by the end of his first term in office.

McCain may also have an affinity for Thompson since both shed devoted first wives for stunning blondes, much younger than themselves. In McCain's case, his wife Cindy is young enough to be his daughter. Thompson's wife is young enough to be his great grand-daughter.

McCain even joked about this, saying,"Fred might have gotten the younger trophy wife, but she's a lobbyist for Christ sake, so she's mooching off of him. My wife is worth hundred's of millions, so she pays the bills, and when I get tired of her, I can still bang a young lobbyist when my equipment is working."

Thompson seemed unaware of what was going on during the press conference, but his wife said that if he knew, he would be very proud to be part of the McCain ticket.

Fred Thompson joins Golden Girls cast

2008-01-23T10:48:00.000-08:00

After quitting the presidential race yesterday, former Republican candidate for president Fred Thompson landed on his feet by signing on to star in a Golden Girls reunion movie.

"I always admire the work those young gals did, and was hoping to work with them before I shipped out for the glue factory," Thompson said.

Thompson suggested a storyline with a romance with one of the girls, but the producers thought that since they were so much younger than him, it would not be credible.

Instead, Thompson will star as a senile old man who can't remember who he is who is left on the Golden Girls porch.

Despite his central role in the TV movie, Thompson had few lines to learn. "Since my character is supposed to be senile, they figured it would be easier for me to just sort of respond to what the characters are saying and if I get confused, so much the better."

When the girls start to investigate his identity, they find that he is a former actor, lobbyist, and senator whose young trophy wife convinced him to run for president. When she realized he had no chance of winning, she left him on the Golden Girls porch.

"I don't know where these writer get their ideas," Thompson said. "I can't imagine anything like this happening in real life."

Thompson's wife could not be reached for comment as her cell phone number is no longer working and she has moved without leaving a forwarding address.

Fred Thompson quits presidential race

2008-01-22T12:27:00.000-08:00

After withdrawing from presidential race in

confusion, Fred Thompson rests comfortably .

Fred Thompson withdrew from the race for the 2008 Republican nomination for president after discovering he was running for president of the United States, not president of his nursing home.

"I couldn't figure out why I had to travel all over the country," Fred said. "I wondered why all those people got to vote about who was president of Soma Acres Nursing Home."

Thompson realized what was happening when a reporter asked him what he would do first when he got to Washington.

"Washington?" Fred said, "I've never been to Washington. Why would I be going there?"

Thompson had forgotten his term as a senator and years as a lobbyist in DC.

Once reporters explained the question, Fred withdrew.

He blames the error on his 22 year old lobbyist wife. "She thinks the movie has just started but my credits are already starting to roll."

Fred said he does not regret his misguided run for president, adding, "If they stop serving warm tapioca for dessert for just one week, my candidacy will not have been in vain."

CORRECTION: Dried corpse in photo Rudy Giuliani NOT our Fred

2008-01-03T10:12:00.000-08:00

In a previous story, we identified the person in this photo as Fred Thompson without make up.

It has been brought to our attention that this is actually a photo of Rudy Giuliani.

We apologize for any embarrassment or confusion this may have caused either candidate and their respective supporters.

Rudy Giuliani in an undated photo

Fred NOT dead

2007-12-31T12:39:00.000-08:00

Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson was forced to respond to a rumor that he was dead started by a left wing, terrorist, gay, abortion-loving blog.

Fred Thompson responds to death rumor while
awaiting make up for public appearance

"I am not dead," our beloved Fred said. "I am just severely dehydrated, an ailment common in the entertainment community. Hell, isn't that what Britney Spears says she is when she goes wackadoodle?"

"But I really am dehydrated. Hell, I piss dust and lower the humidity just by walking in a room," Fred chuckled.

GOP drag debate: Guiliani wins ugliest woman contest

2007-10-07T01:09:00.000-07:00

All the candidates appeared in drag at the Republican presidential debate at Rudolph Guiliani's insistence.

"I just don't think we are being fair to female voters by constantly appearing as men," the former mayor of New York said. "And I don't know about any of the other guys, but I am certainly more comfortable in a strapless evening gown than a suit and tie."

Guiliani's insistence on the drag debate mystified the other Republican campaigns since his honor is the ugliest man in drag this side of John Madden in a halter top. Just looking at Guiliani in his Marilyn Monroe get up is enough to give decent people a coldsore, and a burning sensation when urinating.

Nonetheless, his opponents were game, and each showed a flair and creativity of his own.

Duncan Hunter made a bold statement showing up in an ensemble inspired by Kathy Bates in MISERY. He wore knit turtleneck with a shapeless jumper accessorized with a sledgehammer. While he did not use the hammer during the debate, the implied threat of violence went over well with the GOP audience. If elected, he would be expected to follow through on that foot though.

Mitt Romney came in a pantsuit borrowed from Paula Poundstone, which caused some controversy with the judges--was he really in drag if he was wearing what is essentially a man's suit? Romney escaped disqualification when the judges decided that since he borrowed the suit from Poundstone, and she is technically a woman, he was in fact in drag.

There was an awkward moment when both Enis Huckabee and Cleatus van Brownback showed up dressed as Minnie Pearl from HEE HAW. Making matters worse, Brownback noticed Huckabee had a far more ample bosom, sure to draw votes in the key demographic of guys who have chrome silhouettes of naked women on their mudflaps.

Brownback regained soon ground when each of the candidates were asked to squeal like a pig like Ned Beatty in DELIVERANCE, and Brownback was the only one to strip down to his tidy whities just as Beatty did in the film.

Ron Paul also showed up in a hillbilly themed outfit--BEVERLY hillbilly. His Granny Clampett frock and hat were the talk of all the ladies in the audience, as was his decision to appear in the original black and white.

For our own dear Fred "Gopher" Thompson, the decision about what to wear was a no-brainer: he reprised his role of "Momma" from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN.

"I still had the wig somewhere and I wear that pink robe everyday, so what the hell," Fred said.

The most curious choice was John McCain, who came as the president's mother, Barbara Bush.
When asked why he chose the president's mother as his role model, McCain said, "Frankly, I do not know. But President Bush told me to wear this, and the last time I ignored his advice, he had my dog killed. My kids were inconsolable for weeks. I was really worried when he said I needed a pearl necklace to go with the outfit until I saw he meant, you know, actual pearls..."

An added layer of irony in the choice of Barbara Bush is the rumor that has circulated for years that Mrs. Bush is actually a man, veteran character actor Vincent Gardenia, who plays the elder president Bush's wife from time to time to deflect questions about his personal life.

Fred Gopher Thompson challenges other actors who played president to debate

2007-09-26T19:35:00.000-07:00

Beloved TV icon and GOP presidential candidate Gopher Fred Thompson went on the Tonight Show last night to challenge other actors who have played presidents to debate. Several prominent actors were included, and Thompson weighed their relatives strengths and weaknesses, but he also pointedly excluded several and explained why:

ACTORS INVITED:

MARTIN SHEEN

THOMPSON: Sheen is smart, earnest, hard-working, and has played the president on TV for a couple of seasons, so he'll get a lot of those confused voters who think he's already president. No question it's tough to dislodge an incumbent.

On the minus side, he's way too liberal on the show and in real life. And I heard around town his boy Charlie is pretty wild, so he won't go over with the family values crowd.

LENO: And he's short.

THOMPSON: ...and he's short. You can't stand tall if you aren't tall.

HARRISON FORD

THOMPSON: He'll be a tough, tough opponent because he fought off terrorists on Air Force One in that action movie...what was it?

LENO: Air Force One.

THOMPSON: That's right, it was about Air Force One, but I can't remember the name. I do have one advantage over Ford; he's got a very monotone voice. The president has to do that weekly radio address as well as reading the teleprompter at speeches and repeating what ya hear in the earpiece when reporters ask questions. I've done a lot more voice over work than him--I was the narrator of all those Disney nature movies back in the 60s.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS

THOMPSON: This boy is a real contender. He's got the fire in the belly, and he's a real poon hound. After the Clinton impeachment failed, our focus groups showed that Americans admired a president with a strong heterosexual libido. That gives Douglas a real edge over most of the candidates in the GOP mens room if you get my drift.

LENO: Uh, why are you tapping my foot under the desk, Fred?

ACTORS NOT INVITED:

GLEN CLOSE

THOMPSON: She is smart, tough as nails, and has a real screen presence.

LENO: And her face is already on Mt. Rushmore...

THOMPSON: You'd be a fool not to run if you look like George Washington. Hell, she don't even need the wig.

On the downside, male GOP voters are frightened by powerful assertive women. All those years of abusing farm animals and re-enacting the "squeal like a pig" scene from DELIVERANCE has left them with a fragile sexual identity that someone like her threatens. That's why I made sure my wife is obvious arm candy, so they can feel I'm manly enough for me AND them.

KEVIN KLINE and ROBIN WILLIAMS

THOMPSON: Come on, those movies were comedies, for God's sake!

Besides, we thought that would work with W--did you know they originally were going to give the part to Jim Varney if he hadn't died? Problem was, the mean-spirited, bumbling, retard president wasn't so funny once the bodies started piling up. The producers want to go a different way this time.

MORGAN FREEMAN

THOMPSON: He did excellent work in DEEP IMPACT, showed gravitas and compassion. That's tough to pull off.

But we can't have a colored fella who actually has a shot at the presidency in the running for the GOP nomination. Hell, Colin Powell cleared his throat about running in '96 and he got death threats from our base. If Freeman ran, everybody would be wearing white to the debates if you know what I mean.

If they Democrats want to run him, that's something else.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

THOMPSON: This one is really painful for me. If Arnold could run I could finish out my life on LAW & ORDER and having my pretty little wife give me sponge baths and change my Depends.

You have no idea how much time and money the party put into making Arnold California governor, setting up that recall and trying to make Arnold look like he cared about family values. We figured if he ran, the Democrats could put up JFK, RFK, MLK, Mother Theresa, and Gandhi on one ticket and Arnold could beat 'em.

It is such a terrible, terrible waste....

LENO: uh, Fred, doesn't the Constitution say people born in Austria can't be president?

THOMPSON: Jay, the Constitution says a lot of things, but we got around most of them after 9/11, so we figured we could get around that one too. The American people just forgot to be afraid sooner than we expected and started paying attention to those little details again.

LENO: Maybe you guys will have better luck after the sequel.

THOMPSON: (laughing) you can count on it.

Fred Thompson is NOT Kelsey Grammer

2007-09-05T21:45:00.000-07:00

Many people have written to ask why Fred Thompson doesn't talk about his role playing the urbane Dr. Frasier Crane on CHEERS and FRASIER the way he does his stint on LAW & ORDER and of course playing Gopher on LOVE BOAT.

The answer is simple. Frasier Crane was was played by Kelsey Grammer not our beloved Fred Thompson.

Side by side photos seem to clear things up:

Grammer looks a good 40 years younger than Thompson. However, without Grammer's stage make up, the difference is more subtle. (Click the photo above to see a comparison to Grammer without make up).

No one would confuse the two if they heard them speak. Kelsey Grammar sounds like an over-enunciating East Coast patrician while Fred sounds like the narrator of those Disney nature movies from the 60s who would tell us what we could clearly see for ourselves like "The bear hibernates in the winter," or "Ducks fart underwater then swim away before the toxic fumes can reach the surface."

Another reason the two are mistaken for each other is their young, blond wives.

A close inspection of this photo reveals a key difference: Fred Thompson's wife is young enough to be Kelsey Grammer's wife's daughter.

UPDATE: The babe-in-arms race continues--Grammer traded in the one pictured above for a much younger model.

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter if the two are confused with each other. But men enunciate clearly and are highly capable at reading off a teleprompter. Therefore, either would be equally well-qualified to be the GOP nominee for president.

Being Gopher and Being President

2007-09-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Some people have wondered aloud how being Gopher on Love Boat prepared Fred Thompson for his most important role: being president of the United States.

For one thing, Gopher was a problem solver. If someone wanted to avoid their ex-wife, pretend to a nun when they are actually a prostitute, or know how to kiss a girl for the first time as in the episode with Scott Baio, Gopher was always there to help.

In the same way, he was a public servant. At the beginning of every single episode, he could be seen carrying the passengers bags aboard the ship.

He was also able to deal effectively with people of all races, from the black bartender Isaac, to Asian passenger Pat Morita, to illegal immigrant Charo. In all cases, he was able to interact with them with grace and good humor while maintaining his superiority as a white man.

Needless to say, after serving so much time in uniform on a ship, Fred Thompson will be an excellent commander in chief.

Fred "Gopher" Thompson is

2007-08-13T10:47:00.000-07:00